#was Aimer's voice...

[windupnamazu]

you're the only one i wish would understand

ffxivwrite2023 #11: once bitten, twice shy used to mean that a person who has failed or been hurt when trying to do something is careful or fearful about doing it again

Rhea & Honoka. Post-Endwalker. 1240wc. ⮞ My heart is always filled with unrequited feelings for you.

Rhea clings to her luggage as she steps onto the piers of Kugane, overwhelmed by the fragrance of sea salt and the bustle of the port around her as she navigates toward the grand tower in front of her—the Shiokaze Holstery. She'd been told she couldn't possibly miss it and she really didn't; it's taller than any tree of the Twelveswood and its light pierced the thin fog out at sea. That building will be the starting point and home base of her investigation; a one-woman mission, a mysterious case in an equally mysterious land: a search for a person missing to her and her alone.

Her best friend, Honoka Naeuri.

Rhea listens solemnly as the woman at the Holstery counter gives her a flyer with the directions to the town's best inn, pre-booked for her with her sister's coin. After that, she's on her own: Ahnji (or, she supposes, Tala now, even if she's always going to be Ahnji to her,) knows little about the Far East and the people she knows who do are reluctant to give her information on her target's whereabouts. Even Honoka's own sister, infamously gentle as she is, redirected her to speak with their much irritable cousin instead, who probably would have chased her out of their family home if it wasn't for the presence of her husband.

She's in Kugane, she was told brusquely, and after being pointed in the direction of Isari was told to "get the fuck out."

Rhea presses the back of her hand to her brow to block out the sunlight as she emerges from the other side of the Holstery, eyes wide as she takes in the vista of Kugane's skyline. Was this fear and awe anything like how Honoka felt when she arrived on Eorzea's shores and then Revenant's Toll all those years ago? It's a weird feeling, being impossibly closer and further from Honoka than ever before.

Eyes skimming over the plaza before her, her heart nearly stops as they fall upon a crowd gathered by the aetheryte.

She's here.

There's an Au Ri girl on the steps of the aetheryte plaza, dressed in orange and blue in a style unlike this nation's denizens. Pitch black hair spills over her tear-shaped horns and down her back, longer than when Rhea had seen her last and dyed orange at its ends, but she's very much still Honoka and Rhea's heart starts to ache just at the sight of her. As she sings into a microphone of Garlean design it's with a low voice that makes dread and joy entwined plunge into her stomach; the last time she'd heard that voice it was to awkwardly say goodbye.

Her song is in Hingan, and not for the first time Rhea wishes she asked her sister to accompany her after all. What she would give for the Echo right now.

Before she can even consider pulling out her Eorzean Common-Hingan dictionary and starting to parse the lyrics, the song and the show is over. Most of the crowd departs, but among those who remain are four other youths gathered around Honoka, chattering all the while. There's a dainty-looking Roegadyn girl and a peppy Lalafellin woman and a towering Raen boy and a slender Midlander dressed head to toe in black, and they're completely at ease as they pack away instruments. Rhea summons what little courage she has and steps forward.

"Honoka!" she calls. Her best friend turns, surprised.

"Rhea?" Honoka doesn't look upset to see her, but she doesn't seem happy either. "What are you doing here?"

Before Rhea can explain, the slender and tanned Midlander drapes themselves over Honoka's shoulder, pressing their cheek against Honoka's horn.

"Ugh, Dallie, I'm busy," Honoka whines without any real irritation, playfully pushing her… friend…?—-Matron, she hopes this person is just her friend—away.

"Honohono," says 'Dallie' with a barking laugh and in heavily-accented Othardian Common, lifting their chin at Rhea. "Who's the chick? One of your fans?"

Honoka purses her lips, probably wishing this meeting wasn't happening. "Rhea. From Eorzea. Rhea, this is Dal."

"Rhea from Eorzea," Dal drawls, something like realization and frost in their voice. Behind them, the three others hovering by the aetheryte plaza straighten up. "The idiot who broke your heart?"

Rhea flinches.

"Dal," the Roegadyn girl in green calls, frowning prettily. "People are entitled to their own feelings."

Dal rolls their eyes. Or at least, they give off the impression that they do, with a subtle tilt of their head—they wear shades that completely obscure their whole expression, but their mouth's been twisted with a sneer since they first looked at Rhea.

"Rhea is still my friend, Dal," Honoka reminds them. But is she? Rhea never wrote to her after Honoka returned to Doma. Never even asked Kotone to forward her well wishes or begged Tala to ask for her new linkpearl number. If Rhea is still Honoka's friend she's been a piss poor one. She doesn't feel relief at Honoka's own words, only dread.

"I'm just calling it as I see it," Dal says with a shrug. "Either way, Honoka, we got that next gig in a bell, soooo…"

No, no, no. She just found her. Rhea opens her mouth to ask for just a minute alone or for her linkpearl number or to tell her she's got a room at the Bokairo Inn for the week and to please look for her or to blurt out I'm sorry you confessed to me and I rejected you in the most humiliating and hurtful way possible and I was wrong and I only realized once you went home across the world that I was actually in love with you too and I'm still in love with you even though it's been ages now and you have every right to hate me but please, please don't push me away—

"Ray," Honoka says, smiling at her almost as she did when they were those teenage girls in Mor Dhona following their big sisters around and wishing there was more they could do for them and for each other and for the world. It doesn't reach her eyes today. "It was great seeing you."

She doesn't say see you later or be well or keep in touch. Rhea knows she doesn't deserve that much, but she can't stop herself from watching Honoka's back as she disappears into the city, dawnscale tail and orange ombre hair swaying as she goes, far brighter here than she ever was trapped in Revenant's Toll.

"Hey."

She nearly shrieks when she realizes Dal is still there, though the rest of their friends have followed Honoka out of the plaza.

"Honoka still considers you her friend, for whatever reason," says the Midlander, hip cocked out in an easy confidence Rhea wishes she had an onze of. "So from one of her friends to another, that last song was something she wrote herself. Nearly wrecked herself doing it. Maybe look up its name."

"Its name?"

"Kataomoi," Dal says. They press their pointer and index fingers to their brow and swipe away. "Anyway, ja ne."

As they too disappear into the crowd, Rhea pulls out her dictionary and searches.

Kataomoi. Unrequited love.

"I fucked up," Rhea whispers to herself, alone in a foreign land with nothing but her suitcase and her damned pride all stomped on and muddied. She already knew that though. "I really, really, really fucked up."

[blazingblorbos]

Chat, I might cry

[cinnabeat]

its really interesting to listen to covers of aimers song bc imo no one really captures the emotion she puts into her singing

[yuuminni]

the existence of singers like aimer who truly brings something unique with her voice and nearly all of her songs makes those claims thats like "ts is one of the greatest singers of our time" ridiculous

[ainomirainikki]

A comprehensive list of 'jirai kei' media.

(Inspired by @the-real-loser-otaku-girl's post about 'jirai kei' media.)

Jirai kei (地雷系) is a subculture with a delicate yet destructive allure, often associated with themes of obsessive love, heartbreak, self-destruction, and twisted romance. If you're drawn to the darkly romantic, fragile, and yandere-esque vibes of jirai kei, here’s a list of media that might capture that aesthetic for you!

✧ Anime & manga ✧

Mirai Nikki (Future Diary) – The ultimate yandere fantasy with obsessive love and psychological twists.

Happy Sugar Life – A beautifully twisted lesbian love story wrapped in unsettling sweetness.

Kuzu no Honkai (Scum’s Wish) – Heart-wrenching, toxic romance filled with longing and self-destruction.

Mahō Shōjo Site (Magical Girl Site) – A dark magical girl story with suffering and revenge.

Nana – Deep, emotional, and dramatic relationships that fit the bittersweet jirai kei aesthetic.

Diabolik Lovers – Toxic and possessive vampire romance that aligns with jirai kei themes.

Oshi no Ko (My Star) – The darker side of idol culture, fame, and obsession.

Mahō Shōjo Madoka★Magica (Madoka Magica) – Dark magical girls with tragic fates.

Tasogare Otome x Amnesia (Dusk Maiden of Amnesia) – Tragic ghost girl romance.

Elfenlied (Elf's Song) – Love, trauma, and dark emotions.

School Days – Love, betrayal, and a bloody ending.

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (Higurashi: When They Cry) – Cute girls with dark, psychological horror.

Serial Experiments Lain – A surreal dive into loneliness, technology, and identity, with an isolated and lonely girl navigating a fragmented reality.

Narutaru (Shadow Star) – A story where all monsters aren't humans; they're your friends and family members.

Vampire Knight – Dark romance, forbidden love, and a self-sacrificing heroine in a gothic setting.

Domestic Girlfriend – Forbidden romance, impulsive decisions, and emotional turmoil.

✧ J-pop / Visual kei / J-rock ✧

Yōsei Teikoku – Dark, gothic, and dramatic melodies.

Aimer – Melancholic yet powerful ballads about love and pain.

ChouCho – Dreamy yet sorrowful vocals that evoke delicate emotions.

Eve – Emotional, bittersweet songs with deep storytelling.

Ali Project – Elegant, dark, and poetic with a twisted fairytale vibe.

GARNiDELiA – A mix of dark elegance and seductive charm.

Kaya – Aesthetic, dramatic, and gothic with a deep emotional tone.

Dir En Grey – Emotionally raw, beautifully painful rock.

Malice Mizer – Elegant and tragic gothic beauty.

The GazettE – Emotional, visual-heavy rock.

DADAROMA – Beautiful but slightly unhinged aesthetic.

Kanon Wakeshima – Gothic lolita vibes with cello-driven music.

Kalafina – Hauntingly gothic harmonies.

ReoNa – The voice of loneliness and longing in music form.

Kikuo – Disturbing yet cute Vocaloid songs.

EGOIST – Ethereal and tragic love-themed music.

Minami – Themes of heartbreak and emotional struggles.

Rurutia – Ethereal and fragile, perfect for emotional breakdowns.

Sheena Ringo – A mix of seductive and destructive energy.

Phantom Siita – Creepy-cute vocals with themes of obsession, betrayal, and love.

Mitski (though not J-pop, her songs fit the aesthetic) – Themes of love, loneliness, and self-destruction.

✧ Visual novels / Games✧

Doki Doki Literature Club! – A deceptive, cute yet tragic psychological horror visual novel.

Tsukihime (Moon Princess) – A melancholic vampire romance.

Fate/stay night: Heaven’s Feel – A twisted, tragic route filled with obsession, sacrifice, and dark romance.

Mahōtsukai no Yoru (Witch on the Holy Night) – Gorgeous visuals and a dreamy yet eerie atmosphere.

Saya no Uta (Song of Saya) – A deeply disturbing yet poetic love story.

Higanbana no Saku Yoru ni – A visual novel by Ryukishi07, filled with ghost stories, bullying, and dark school mysteries. The themes and aesthetic fit jirai kei perfectly.

Togainu no Chi (Blood of the Reprimanded Dog) – A gritty, violent BL visual novel by Nitro+CHiRAL with betrayal, despair, and twisted relationships.

Lamento: Beyond the Void – A beautiful, melancholic BL by Nitro+CHiRAL with dark themes and haunting music.

Sweet Pool – A tragic and hauntingly beautiful BL visual novel by Nitro+CHiRAL that embodies emotional pain and devotion.

DRAMAtical Murder – A dark BL visual novel by Nitro+CHiRAL with possessive and obsessive love interests.

Slow Damage – A gritty, neon-lit BL by Nitro+CHiRAL with a dive into self-destruction, pain, and twisted intimacy.

Fatal Frame (Project Zero) – Aesthetic horror with tragic themes of loss and loneliness.

Yandere Simulator – The ultimate obsessive love fantasy.

Corpse Party – Cute characters in horrifying situations.

Yume Nikki (Dream Diary) – Dreamy, eerie, and unsettlingly beautiful.

The House in Fata Morgana – A beautifully gothic visual novel with deep themes of love and suffering.

Ib – A lonely, eerie RPG with emotional depth.

Mad Father – A horror game with deep family trauma.

Silent Hill 2 – A psychological horror game that explores guilt, trauma, and the search for redemption.

Silent Hill 3 - A story about womanhood, loss, cults, and forced pregnancy. Godly soundtrack by Akira Yamaoka to boot, along with one of the most relatable teenage character in history.

Silent Hill: Shattered Memories - A psychological horror game where your own actions affect the world against your will all while trying to find your daughter after a car crash. Contains themes of guilt, loss, loneliness, and more.

Catherine: Full Body – A mix of love, nightmares, and temptation, where obsessive romance and psychological tension collide.

Omori - Living alone with only the dreams in your mind keeping you company after a terrible accident. Contains themes of guilt, loss, suicide, psychological horror, and moving on with one’s life.

Milk inside a bag of milk inside a bag of milk – Short, surreal, and deeply unsettling.

Love Angel Syndrome – A story of love between a jirai girl and an AI girl, filled with obsession.

Needy Streamer Overload – A perfect portrayal of modern menhera culture.

✧ J-drama & movies ✧

Helter Skelter – A psychological thriller about beauty, fame, and self-destruction.

All About Lily Chou-Chou – A tragic and melancholic film about loneliness and despair.

Memories of Matsuko – A story of a woman seeking love but falling into tragedy.

Jisatsu Sākuru (Suicide Club) – A cult horror film about mass suicides and hidden despair.

Noriko's Dinner Table – A haunting film about identity, loneliness, and alienation that fits the unsettling, introspective vibe of jirai kei.

Shimotsuna Monogatari (Kamikaze Girls) – A clash of lolita and yankii subcultures with a lonely heroine at its core.

Kagen no Tsuki (Last Quarter) – A haunting romance with gothic vibes, starring Hyde of L’Arc-en-Ciel.

Yokubo (Desire) – A dark, sensual film about love and possession.

The World of Kanako – A psychological thriller with a jirai vibe.

Kokuhaku (Confessions) – A thriller about revenge, grief, and dark justice.

Ai no Mukidashi (Love Exposure) – A chaotic yet deep exploration of obsession, love, and sin.

Hana and Alice – A film about dreamy yet emotionally complex relationships.

Misumisou (Liverleaf) – A film about intense bullying and revenge in a snowy town.

Audition – A psychological horror film about a seemingly sweet woman turning dangerously obsessive after auditioning to become a lonely man's new wife.

Perfect Blue – A psychological horror film that explores identity, trauma, and fame.

Jawbreaker – Dark high school drama with mean girl aesthetics.

Fatal Attraction – A classic yandere-style toxic romance.

Koi no Tsumi (Guilty of Romance) – An psychological thriller about a sexually repressed woman’s descent into obsession and emotional ruin.

Tomie – A horror film about a terrifyingly beautiful girl who drives other girls insane and causes boys to kill for her love.

Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso (Your Lie in April) – Melodramatic, tragic, yet beautiful.

Kamisama no Iu Tōri (As the Gods Will) – Horror, desperation, and survival.

Hana Yori Dango (Boys Over Flowers) – A classic toxic yet captivating romance that shaped many jirai kei girlies.

Zettai Kareshi (Absolute Boyfriend) – A girl gets the perfect boyfriend, but he's artificial.

Kimi wa Petto (You're A Pet) – A strange yet emotional love story between a career woman and a younger man who becomes her 'pet.'

Ankoku Joshi (The Dark Maidens) – Murder, secrets, and beauties in a prestigious all-girls school.

Mitsu no Aji (A Taste of Honey) – A deeply melancholic drama about forbidden love and emotional suffering.

Watashitachi wa Douka Shiteiru (Cursed in Love) – Love, revenge, and obsession.

Followers – Social media, beauty, and the darkness behind the perfect image.

✧ Stories ✧

'Kimi no Suizou wo Tabetai (I Want to Eat Your Pancreas)' by Yoru Sumino – A story of bittersweet love and death.

'No Longer Human' by Osamu Dazai – A classic novel about despair and self-destruction.

'All the Lovers in the Night' by Mieko Kawakami – A beautifully tragic tale of loneliness and fleeting love.

'Metamorphosis (177013)' by Shindo L – A dark and tragic transformation of innocence. Read at your own risk, because it's sexually explicit and depicts some triggering topics.

'Aku no Hana (The Flowers of Evil)' by Shūzō Oshimi – A deep exploration of perversion and self-destruction.

'Boku wa Mari no Naka (Inside Mari)' by Shūzō Oshimi – A story about an awkward young man finding himself trapped in the body of a beautiful girl, uncovering dark secrets about identity, obsession, and the self.

'Okaeri, Alice (Welcome Home, Alice)' by Shūzō Oshimi – A dark and emotionally complex story exploring gender, identity, and complex relationships.

'Akumade Amai Watashi no Kanojo (My Girlfriend is Devilishly Sweet)' by Yatosakiharu – A romantic comedy lesbian love story between a human and a dark girly kei wearing succubus with themes of jealousy and obsession.

'Koimonogatari' by Nisio Isin – The darkest love story in the Monogatari series.

'Fate/Zero' by Gen Urobuchi – Dark ambitions, tragic fates, and beautifully broken characters.

Jirai girls and boys, what are your favorites? Feel free to reblog and add more!

[cubtales]

— ode to the weeping lily, for one too many of her petals have wilted and scattered. and though her petals have scattered into an abundance of worlds, her work— THEIR work, shall never cease. for the records the universe will continue to spin a web around her wilting limbs and break her constricting flesh, twirl the thread of her veiled mind and crush her once narrow heart. for soon she will be come a keeper of the tales of many....

hallo this is just me info dumping down here ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ“ thank you for your interest !! but yes my self insert is a follower of fuli, the aeon of remembrance. she was recruited to become a memokeeper by black swan, who she holds a strong admiration for and also the reason she wears a veil. as an memokeeper she collect memories via mirrors! her mirrors are multi-purposeful, they can not only capture / replay memories, but attack and act as an point of communication or travel method. she often encounter others through the reflection of an mirror, though her voice may be somnolent or even lethargic to some she is quite cheerful and teasing to those she considers friends! she soon gained the nickname: "weeping lily" due to the fact she was often spotted veiled in all white, resembling a bride who had ran away. 

for her, speaking about her past is strictly forbidden. if anything the closest clue to it was her vendetta against idrila, the aeon of beauty— to the point many rumors circulated about her being a siren-like figure.. a walking poison ivy to naive followers of idrila that lead to their impending doom. so could you imagine what went through others minds when she started to be seen with a certain rose colored knight of beauty?

[epiphanyepica]

Thoughts on Prince's Gambit, Chapter 12

Oh, Laurent's being drawn away from Ravenel? Is this the Regent? I mean, it obviously fucking is, but what's his endgame here???

What's Laurent's pensive look for? Is he going to have Damen do something?

I wonder how other people say Aimeric’s name. I used to say Laurent as ‘Lohr-ent’, but I say it as ‘lohr-aunt’ now. I say Aimeric as ‘Ay-mah-ric’, but I imagine it might actually be ‘eye-mah-ric’.

Damn, Laurent's right, Damen is an asset and his uncle was wrong to let Damen come with him.

Oooh, Laurent and Damen alone together for two whole days?

OOOH, LAURENT WANTS TO RACE DAMEN? That's lowkey kind of romantic.

Awee, Damen and Laurent riding through the trees at a canter. Yes, they're on a mission, but they're also falling in love.

Damen's having fun and enjoying his ride with Laurent, AWEEEEE.

Oh, yeah, okay, maybe Damen is partly enjoying this ride because he's being proactive with the mission, but it's mostly because it's with Laurent.

Laurent watched him approach like Damen's arrival was welcome and familiar 🥺.

STUPID FUCKING AKIELON HORN BLARING AND RUINING THE MOMENT.

Oh no, are there Akielons marching here?

Oh my GOD, Damen could run and get to the Akielon troop and he'd be able to return home. But he won't, will he??? He'll choose Laurent for sure, but it's the fact that he has to choose right now that could make or break everything that's been building between him and Laurent.

Laurent’s watching him, uncertain, because he doesn't know for sure what choice Damen will make 😭.

Damen presenting how he could take Laurent and get back to the Akielons and it's just a thing between them 😭 oh.

It's a thing because, on some level, they both know Damen won't betray him. Not anymore.

Nothing was standing in his way, except for the fact that he's FALLING IN LOVE WITH LAURENT.

DAMEN CHOSE LAURENTTTTTT.

Oh no, the Akielon lords are preparing for war.

I'm sorry, but the phrase, “on the unlikely chance that a prince might be squeezed in there” is SO cute and I'm just picturing a little Chibi version of Laurent sitting in a crevasse with his arms crossed and waiting for Damen to return with little furrowed brows.

SO CUTEEEEE.

Laurent's wary of Damen because he went scouting the Akielons alone 😭 I get it. Damen could have met up with them and told them about Laurent and come back with hidden reinforcements.

But the fact that Damen didn't do that might do SO much for their relationship.

Laurent doing what I presume is defaulting to the unseriousness of acting like Akielons are all pedophiles, like damn.

Damen thinking about how Laurent would be given to him if they went to Akielos. OOOOH. I mean, slavery bad, but I also think that in a situation where neither is really a slave, they'd both totally be into that.

Hell, I'm into that.

Laurent pulling the Jokaste card when he and Damen start disagreeing over what Kastor would do with Delpha 😭. Way to rub SALT in the wound, LAURENT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE WAY SHOULD'VE BEEN CLEAR??? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN???

NOOO, WHAT. LAURENT'S GETTING SHOT AT WITH A CROSSBOW. DAMEN, YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING. PROVE YOUR LOYALTY AND YOUR LOVEEEEEE.

Oh, are they going to have to ride back on the same horse if Laurent's is down?

Oh? 🤭.

I mean, like, poor horse, but GREAT SHIP OPPORTUNITY.

Damen's INSTINCT being to protect Laurent. ZERO hesitation. Oh, he's IN LOVE.

DAMEN THROWING HIS SWORD LIKE A SPEAR TO STOP THE GUY FROM KILLING LAURENT. OH MY GOD. OMG. OMG.

Boss ass bitch, right there. That's for LOVE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Damen BEING PANICKED AND SLIDING DOWN AND HIS VOICE BEING ROUGH WHEN HE ASKED LAURENT IF HE WAS OKAY. HE IS SOOOOOO IN LOVE.

Damen is staring at Laurent's body to check for injuries and, oh my god, he loves him so much.

Oh, OH, wait, is this the first real time they've had such intimate physical contact? Aside from Laurent grabbing his arm to tell him to go to sleep.

Damen thinks Laurent is dazed from an injury, but I think he's dazed from Damen saving his life and then fussing over him.

Laurent's horse is injured. I knew it. Poor horse, but also great ship material.

Laurent apologizing to Damen because he knows that they can't leave the outrider out there and Damen says he'll take care of it 🥺😭.

Oh, Laurent's horse is actually okay, but still can't be ridden, phew. Phew that he's okay, to be clear.

OOOOH, they're getting all close on the horse now.

Laurent's too short and Damen too tall for him to see over Damen's shoulders while riding behind him, omg 🥺.

Oh, Laurent's got dry jokes, huh. He's definitely feeling something about their proximity right now.

The horse’s motions pushing their bodies together in a rhythm. Okay, that's… uh… well, it's hot.

Laurent is avoiding Damen by tending to the horses for longer than needed. Omg. He's feeling SOMETHING about all of this, for sure.

Damen feels bad about killing that soldier 😭.

Oh? Laurent thought killing was a haphazard thing for Damen? I want to see where this conversation goes 👀.

Also, Laurent's whole world view of Damen is being tilted on its head, isn't it?

Damen using the fact that Laurent is trying to stop the war as a reason for why he saved him. AS IF IT WASN'T TOTALLY INSTINCTUAL AND OUT OF A GROWING LOVE.

My mind is TAINTED. Because why did I immediately go, “ask him for a kiss” when Laurent asked Damen what he wanted for his customary reward?

Damen making jokes and Laurent giving in as much as Laurent would ever give in 😭🥺.

Laurent being all pragmatic about not using Damen against Akielons, but I also feel like part of it may be that he doesn't want to do it because it hurts Damen.

Laurent realizing how amazing a fighter Damen really is… oh god, if he doesn't already know or suspect Damen is really Prince Damianos, he must be close to it.

So, Damen was naive about the people around him in Akielos?

Oh my god, the Regent poisoned Laurent's horse before the hunt back in Book 1??? Even the damn horse couldn't escape his murderous, greedy clutches.

Oh god, Laurent was genuinely surprised that his uncle tried to kill him that time? Poor baby 🥺.

Damen, quick, hug him.

Laurent thinking it's naive to trust family. Oh my god, what did the REGENT DO TO HIM.

OH MY GOD. LAURENT JUST OPENLY ADMITTED THAT HE OCCASIONALLY TRUSTS DAMEN.

Laurent knows Damen’s planning to leave eventually. He's just uncertain if Damen will kill him when he does. Omg.

Damen being so certain about the fact that he will not kill Laurent, even for his own freedom, is so telling. He loves him and he doesn't even realize it yet.

It's Damen Feeling Complicated Feelings O’Clock.

RAIDERS ARE HOLDING THEM AT CROSSBOLT POINT? CAN THEY NOT CATCH A BREAK?

This is what they wanted, right? To get to the bottom of what led to Breteau?

Laurent being mostly calm while being tied up, blindfolded, and gagged. Oh god, what has he been through?

[goldencuffs]

afterglow

inspired by the spectral files series by s.e. harmon!!

The ghost appears in his office after Damen comes back from his lunch break. 

Damen’s had a rough week already. The free pad thai in his belly right now is literally the best thing that’s happened to him in months. That’s not even an exaggeration.

The ghost in his office has been around before. He showed up a few weeks ago, at the start of summer, his expression boyish, sunny, hands in his pockets as he’d surveyed Damen’s office with visible interest. Then he had followed Damen to the kitchen and watched him make tea. And then he had pulled faces last Tuesday, during their morning briefings, gagging at the photos of Victor Reynold’s dismembered body. 

“I smell Thai,” the ghost says now. He’s pouting. “I want Thai. I love Thai food.” 

Damen ignores him, sitting behind his desk and logging into his computer. It’s only twelve in the afternoon. Damen wants to throw himself off the ledge of the building. 

The ghost struts about his office, still talking, listing off the other cuisines he loves (Mexican, Indian, Lebanese, Italian) as Damen pretends to read his latest case notes.

“Not going to lie though, definitely shat myself when I had that. I’m talking blocked pipes and everything.” The ghost shakes his head. “Man, that was a rough weekend.”

Damen sighs. 

The ghost perks up. “I know you can see me, man. You always get that face when I’m talking to you.”

Damen picks up a pen, just so he has something to do. So he can school his face into something more neutral. 

Of course Damen can see the ghost. He sees ghosts all the time. He’s seen them since he was seven years old. As a kid, he didn’t know the children he would play with were dead until Nikandros’ foot had gone through the football they were kicking around. 

Since then, Damen’s seen them everywhere. There was a widow who used to hang around Kastor’s old place, shrilly telling him off for painting the kitchen the wrong colour. Kastor had moved out three weeks after Damen had told him that. 

Most of the time, ghosts leave him alone. Sometimes they get excited when they realise he can see them. Sometimes they just want to talk. Some of them have harmless requests, like messages they want to pass on to a loved one.

And sometimes there are ghosts like the ones in his office, who don’t seem to have anywhere to go, who only seem to be attached to him.

The last ghost like that had been Aimeric Gaul, this skinny, baby-faced kid who had sad, wide eyes. He could only go where Damen could, and kept mentioning how much he missed his mother. 

Three months into watching Aimeric cry in the corner of his office, Damen had driven down to Fortaine to see his mother. Aimeric had sat in the front seat, wide-eyed as he watched the rolling landscape.

When Damen had told Aimeric’s mother that he had a message from her dead son, her husband had pointed a gun to his forehead and said, Get the fuck off my property.

Damen was placed on suspension after that.

So, yeah. He’s wary of the ghosts like this—the ones that are, inevitably, drawn to him. They’re the ones that cause trouble. 

Damen’s been through enough, thanks. He’s only just back from his suspended time off, and Jokaste has cleared the last of her things from their place, and sometimes he still panics when he can’t find the ring on his left hand, until he remembers that it’s shoved in a drawer in his closet. 

The ghost is still talking. “You know what I really miss though? Dumplings. Highly underrated, man. When’s the last time you had one? Take it from me—have as many dumplings as you can while you’re still alive. ‘Cause, one day you’re gonna be dead, and there’s no fucking dumplings here. Which is shit if you think about it, the least—”

Damen’s phone rings. He picks it up, glad for the distraction. 

Makedon’s voice is no-nonsense. “My office, now. Bring coffee.” And then he hangs up. 

Damen deliberately doesn’t bring the coffee. Makedon frowns at him, but doesn’t say anything else. 

He pushes a file towards him. “Welcome back, kid. Latest cold case is all yours.”

Damen groans. “Seriously? You’re assigning me to cold cases? What about Reynold’s murder? I hear they need more manpower.”

“Nah.” Makedon shakes his head. “Don’t think you’re in the right headspace for all that shit.” 

“That shit?” Damen repeats, frowning. “You mean, my job?”

Makedon stares at him for a few beats. “This is part of your job too, detective. Everyone gets assigned cold cases every now and then.”

“Bullshit,” Damen snaps. “You haven’t assigned me a real case in months, even before—” And here, he falters, too ashamed to bring up Aimeric. 

Makedon isn’t a soft man. Everything about him is rigid and unmoveable. But he does relax his shoulders a little. 

“This isn’t just about what happened in Fortaine. When’s the last time you slept, kid?”

Damen frowns.

“Yeah, exactly. Divorce ain’t easy, and it’s clearly been affecting you more than you realise. You’re so… angry all the time. You clocked the new intern so badly last week, he had to go home early.”

Damen sighs, heart twisting a little. Yeah, okay, yelling at Erasmus in front of everyone hadn’t been a good move, but Damen had his reasons.

…He just can’t remember them right now. 

“Work the case with Huet,” Makedon continues, “He’s good company, and isn’t afraid to step up.” 

Damen snatches the file. “Whatever,” he mutters darkly. “What’s the case?”

Makedon sighs. “Some kid drove himself into a lake about a decade ago. Was conclusively claimed as a suicide at the time, but his brother’s statement is pretty interesting, suggests foul play.”

Damen’s eyebrows raise. “Murder?”

Makedon shrugs. “The brother was thirteen at the time, and very close with the victim. So it could be an emotional thing. But…”

“But?”

“He pointed fingers at their uncle. Claimed he had strong evidence it could be a murder, but no one really looked into it too closely.”

“Hmm,” Damen says. “So, what, we’re supposed to go on the word of a teenager?”

“A very persistent teenager. Have a look—he’s called at least several times a year to see if the case has been reopened.”

“No shit,” Damen says in surprise. “He actually share any of this evidence, though? Or tell us why the uncle could be the perpetrator?” 

“That’s your job to find out.” Makedon yawns. “Where’s my fucking coffee?”

But Damen doesn’t pay attention to him. The first page of the case file is a headshot of the victim. 

Damen knows that face. He just left him in his office.

***

Auguste Henri Revere is—was—twenty-five when he died. 

He was incredibly popular, well-liked, and good at pretty much everything he did. Damen reads everything in his file: football captain, scholarship student at Arles University, part-time volunteer at the children’s hospital…

He doesn’t seem like the guy who would kill himself. Then again, the worst part about this job has always been that people can surprise you—in the worst ways possible. 

Nothing about his death is suspicious. It happened close to midnight, near a popular stretch of road in the city centre. There were several witnesses that saw a cream 1972 Ford Mustang veer off the road, straight into the lake. Police found a suicide note typed on Auguste’s laptop. He had cleaned his room the night before, donated things like clothes, jewellery, and sneakers. 

Damen reads what Laurent Gabriel Revere said. Now that statement is strange. Laurent was thirteen when Auguste died. Sources say they were close, that Auguste doted on him, especially since they were orphans, living with their uncle. Two years after Auguste died, Laurent showed up at the police station and accused their uncle of killing Auguste. He claimed he had evidence, but failed to elaborate. Witnesses said they had heard Laurent and his uncle fighting at the Revere home just half an hour before Laurent showed up at the police station. 

Police issued a search warrant at the Revere house. His uncle had readily complied. Nothing had been found. Nothing had been found in Auguste’s recovered car either. And there was never an autopsy done on his body. 

“Huh,” Damen says. 

He looks up at Auguste, who’s staring at the view outside his floor-to-ceiling windows. For the first time since he showed up in his office, Damen feels sorry for him. Auguste is twelve years older than him, but now here he is, forever twenty-five. Damen’s older than him now, and it’s strange to think about. What makes him more deserving of life? He isn’t even a good person—not the way Auguste is. Was. 

It’s not the most conventional way to start an investigation, but hey, he might as well. “How’d you die?” Damen asks.

Auguste turns to him blinking. His eyebrows raise. “That’s the first thing you say to me after all this time? Jesus, that’s cold, man.”

Damen bites his bottom lip. “Do you remember the day you died? Did you… er.” He can’t bring himself to say kill yourself. 

“The day I died? Hmm.” Auguste’s golden eyebrows furrow. “Let me see… I took Laurent out that day. We went to the fair, and he kept pretending he was too old to go on the rides.” His smile turns fond. “Then we… I dropped him home. I went to meet some friends but I don’t think I made it.”

“Fuck!” Damen scrambles up from his seat, and he’s grateful that his office door is closed. He doesn’t think he could explain to anyone why he’s so horrified. 

Blood streaks down from Auguste’s mouth, the corner of his eyes. His clothes are soaked through, turning transparent. His golden hair is matted and wet against his scalp.

Auguste moans. “I don’t feel so good. I don’t… I can’t talk about this anymore.” 

The blood starts pouring out of his ears. 

Damen stands, paralysed, unable to move. 

And then in a blink, Auguste disappears.

***

“Damn,” Huet says. “How much do you think this place will sell for? Three mill right? I mean, at least.” 

“Shut up,” Damen says. Huet is a new recruit and he is far too peppy and talks far too much. He is definitely not good company. 

Privately, Damen agrees about the house. It’s huge, a sprawling mansion adorned with steep, gabled peaks and chimneys, topped with slate tiles that glisten in the sunlight.  Ivy and climbing roses cling to the walls. As well as being Superman, Auguste was also apparently incredibly rich. 

The man who opens the door is undoubtedly related to Auguste. It’s the eyes—Damen has been staring at those blue eyes in photos and in his office for weeks now.

Richard Revere is in his mid-fifties. His hair is dark, coiled, and his beard is trimmed and peppered with white. There are rings on each of his fingers—giant gemstones that glisten as he shakes Damen and Huet’s hands as they introduce themselves.

He has no qualms about being questioned and invites them in. 

Damen’s eyebrows raise. They’re greeted by a grand foyer with a sweeping marble staircase, its balustrade intricately wrought iron, leading to the upper floors. The interior is a blend of opulence and warmth, with high ceilings, ornate moldings, and crystal chandeliers casting a soft glow over the richly decorated rooms. Antique furniture, plush draperies, and elegant tapestries fill the spaces, each room telling its own story of centuries past.

Richard has no issues with them being in his house. Damen has done this for long enough to go by his gut—and so far this man doesn’t seem like a murderer. He just seems like a rich man from an affluent society. 

Richard makes them tea, and then says, “So. You’ve opened my nephew’s case again?”

“We have,” Damen says. They’re sitting on the most comfortable armchairs he’s ever been, in a room with far too many books and far too many globes. 

“Interesting.” Richard sips his tea. For the first time, his tone is cold, disapproving. “May I ask why? I believe the last set of detectives were incredibly thorough.”

Damen nods. “I’m sure they were. But you understand we’re in a delicate position. We can’t brush off… certain statements.”

“Ah.” Richard’s mouth quirks in amusement. “So this is about Laurent, then.” 

It’s Huet who nods this time. He says, “He called the last leading detective just six months ago, sir. He’s still adamant about…” He awkwardly trails off. 

Now Richard looks very amused. “Oh, I see. Of course. Did you know Laurent happens to make those calls to the police station every time we have a fight?” 

“Well,” Damen says, as Huet makes a note of that. “We’d like to talk to him too. Is he around?”

“He is.” Richard nods. “Upstairs, sleeping.”

Damen doesn’t react when Auguste appears in the living room. He looks like his usual self, dry and golden, free of blood. 

“You need to go upstairs,” Auguste says, and for the first time, there’s a note of frustration in his voice. “I can only go where you go. I want to go upstairs. I want to see my room. I want to see Laurent.” 

“We’ll come back later then,” Damen says. He ignores Auguste’s No! 

Richard leads them back out into the sunlight. Auguste trails after them, eyes flicking over every inch of the house, his gaze wondrous. It fills Damen with pity. 

They make their goodbyes out on the porch. Damen can see some of the neighbours take interest in their police car, but Richard seems unfazed. 

A portly woman at the end of the driveway asks them, “Laurent again? He’s a shame to the Revere name.”

Huet raises both eyebrows. Damen makes a mental note of that.

As they walk to the car, they hear a frantic, whispered. “Hey!”

Auguste gasps. “Laurent.” 

Damen follows his eyes. There’s a window at the side of the house on the second level. Someone’s opened it up enough to wave at them. 

Damen steps closer. Auguste rushes up to the window. “Laurent!” 

Laurent doesn’t hear his brother. But he does notice Damen approaching and beckons him over. 

Damen stands under the window, shoulder to shoulder with a dead man, and looks up at the most beautiful person he’s ever seen. 

Laurent’s hair is golden, falling across those same stunning, blue eyes, his lashes long and dark. His skin is luminous and sweetly pink. 

“Damn,” Huet says under his breath. 

“He’s so grown up,” Auguste whispers. 

“You’re here for Auguste’s case?” Laurent says. 

Damen has to strain to hear him. Laurent’s voice is low, anxious, like he’s worried about being caught. 

“Yeah, we are.” Damen clears his throat, which is suddenly scratchy.

Something bright sparks in Laurent’s eyes. He’s still whispering. “Great. You think you can meet me at the diner down the road in an hour? I can’t get away until he leaves the house.”

That instantly sets alarm bells in Damen’s head. He frowns. 

“God, he looks so different,” Auguste says.

Damen nods at Laurent, who’s still anxious, still waiting for a response. 

“Okay, we’ll see you.”

Laurent nods and shuts the window, disappearing from view. After a moment, Auguste does too. 

[kaloooopsia]

About Me!

hii i'm kinda new to tumblr, this is my first post!! call me kali :) i'm seventeen (29/08), infp 9w1, i love videogames and music, i'm french so i may not speak the best english sometimes, i mostly make edits and video editing on my free time :D my two all time fav characters are max caulfield and venti, since like 2/3 years T_T i really love videogames/movies original soundtracks so don't hesitate to recommend me some, I also LOVE violin and i have an awesome possum bf @monachopsis-22 (*^.^*) so please don't flirt with me im only looking for friends!! :p 𖦹 my fav videogames are: life is strange, omori, oneshot, silent hill 2, detroit become human, cry of fear, persona 5, until dawn, heavy rain, beyond two souls, overwatch, sally face, the quarry, lost records, undertale, genshin impact, night in the woods, minecraft 𖦹 my fav medias are: arcane, attack on titan, watamote, evangelion, bojack horseman, umbrella academy, stranger things, hannibal, banana fish, hunter x hunter, silent voice, violet evergarden, enola holmes, perks of being a wallflower, oyasumi punpun 𖦹 my fav artists are: linked horizon, mafumafu, alex g, ado, aimer, sawano hiroyuki, aphex twin, avril lavigne, beabadoobee, cavetown, charli xcx, deathbrain, my dead girlfriend, usedcvnt, first aid kit, girl in red, hannah telle, k/da, kiyosumi, kohta yamamoto, miraidempa, parsley onuma, the smiths, set it off, linkin park, suicidal-idol, tv girl, videoclub 𖦹 characters i kin : max caulfield, armin arlert, sunny/basil, shinji ikari, venti, tomoko kuroki, charlie spring, atsushi nakajima, kunikuzushi tiktok

instagram

carrd!! i really hope i can find friends on there with the same interests as me!! ^_^

[writing-rat]

Not much a writer but I wrote this about CC Walker and I thought you’d like it(: CC Walker is definitely a girl kisser🤭

The second time you lay eyes on Cc Walker it’s an accident. You’re clutching your book bag tightly in your hand, your mind going a million miles a minute. You had just taken your midterm for English had spent months studying, even going so far as having your little brother quiz you. You were tired and beyond ready to get home. Your mind was hazy and ready to let go of all the struggle of the day. You probably should have looked up, at least long enough to realize you were on the school’s soccer field.

You remember feeling the impact on your head first, then the fear kicking in as your body began tilting on its axis before you met the cold watered grass of the field. You gritted your teeth, clutching your head as the pain began to consume your bones. You cursed yourself, stupid, how stupid were you that you didn’t even recognize were you were?

It was then that you felt a body near you, frantic breathes heaving out even as they crouched down to eye you, “oh my god are you ok? Wait…just stay down a minute” The voice was in between frantic and concern and you willed yourself to eye the person.

It was then that your nerves got a whole lot worse. You practically jumped ten feet just eying the girl. Cc Walker remained glued to your side, her blonde ashy hair stuck to her perspiring forehead. Her blue water colored eyes remained focused on you, and you immediately forced your body to get up, using your weight to pull yourself up.

Your heart was racing, fast and loud in your ears. Images of the first day of middle school came back to your mind, replaying like some horrible film you couldn’t get rid of. It had been your first day and you had been eager to start new adventures, broaden your academic adventures and of course your mother was more than proud when you had been willing to get over your anxiety and nerves to try out for the girls soccer team.

It was obvious from just looking at you that you were not the soccer type. You were smaller than the other girls, yes you were more inclined on the academic side, you were captain of the chess team in eighth grade and co-captain of the debate club. You couldn’t help who you were, you loved anything that trained your brain, forced it to grow and learn. Which was what lead you to try out.

You had failed. Miserably. The coach had been nice enough, letting you take your time as she placed the ball in front of you, maybe it was the way the girl’s eyed you from the sidelines that caused shame to build in you. These girls were tall and fast. They could put pass you anytime. But it was the girl with azure color eyes and ashy blonde hair that had gave you a soft smile. You could still remember it. Even replaying in your mind you could still see a younger more middle school CC Walker with her blue soccer jersey filled with grime and her ashy hair set in a ponytail. She had been on the bench, eying you with eyes way too focused to be simply watching because she had to. No, the way she eyed you, with concentration and something else you couldn’t place had somehow calmed your nerves.

She smiled at you, an encouraging smile that somehow gained you enough courage to breathe and kick the ball. If you failed you failed. You could at least say you were courageous enough to broaden your knowledge on the soccer field.

You had breathed and kicked back your heel, letting it loose. You were never quite the good aimer. Your limbs weren’t use to the ways of soccer, you were ungraceful and awkward. It was safe to say the ball had not landed in the goal. It flew around the girls, landing near the bleachers, causing the girls to scream and flinch back.

You had sagged your shoulders, feeling your confidence lessen. You didn’t cry, though you wanted to. You really did. You had simply moved and sat by yourself on the bench. Forcing yourself to watch all the other girls play. Practice was over quick and before you could even tie your shoelaces, which were undone yet just another evidence of your unkempt nature.

It was while you were tying your shoe that a person had stepped in front of you. There Kleets were disastrous, mud mucked all over. But it was then that you saw a name smudged in chicken scratch hand writing on the edges of the kleet. Cc Walker.

You moved your eyes to meet the girl. She smiled politely down at you, “I just wanted to say I think you were pretty great out there. It’s not easy playing with the other girls.” The blondes blue eyes were focused on everything but you. Her eyes bouncing from the bench to the grass bellow your feet.

Her cheeks were flushed, her hands playing with her jersey.

“I guess all I’m saying is great job.” And like that she had fled.

Cold hands were around your waist now causing your memories to fade and you immediately met face to face with CC Walker. She was taller now, lean. From the work she had put in at practice. She was eying you with soft eyes, her lips moving. She was repeating something to you.

And it was only then that you realized what. Your name. Your cheeks flushed, and you immediately flew out of her touch, watching her take a step back from the sudden flinch.

She waited till you got your bearings before she spoke. Her eyes laced with concern. “You looked like you banged your head hard there” she whispered.

You shook your head, even though it burned and seethed. “I’m fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to worry Walker”.

At the mention of her name her lips quirked up into a smile, a dashing smile that made your knees weak.

“Glad to see you remember my name Y/n” her tone was cocky, and it made your head spin.

Your dizzy ness must have shown because she was by you in an instant. Hands around your waist, you could vaguely hear her talk to the coach before she was helping you walk to the nurses office.

It was odd having CC watch as the nurse flew a flashlight in your eyes, it was odd how Focused the girl seemed. Her eyes following everything the nurse did. It was almost cute the way she hovered. Like she was worried.

“Well Miss y/n it looks like you achieved a grade one concussion just standing doing nothing” the nurse chimed, and you were about to ask just what that was when the blonde spoke. Her voice serious and steady.

“Are they minor?”

The nurse immediately moved her eyes to CC, eying her posture and her body language. “Oh I assure you sweetheart these are very minor. She’ll be back to watching you play your games in a jiffy.”

CC’s cheeks flushed.

She walked you to your car, a peaceful silence between you. It was only till you spoke that she eyed you like a lost puppy.

“Thank you for helping me to the nurse office Cc”

She smiled again,her eyes nervous, “look I’m not sure if you remember me. But you tried out for soccer a few years ago, and you were-“

“A klutz?” You offered.

CC’s blue eyes widened, “no..no you were amazing. I mean you didn’t actually make a goal or anything but- why stuck out about you was your willingness to try. This might be me being forward, and if it is just- just ignore it but-I think you’re the most attractive girl that I have ever hit with a soccer ball”. The remark was said so charmingly that you laughed, feeling your cheeks heat up.

You eyed CC, “is that the truth Walker? Cause I hear your quite the girl kisser” you teased. Your breathe an inch away from hers. Cc watched your lips with her eyes, her tongue moving to lick her lips. Her eyes were hooded and downcast. “No” she confessed. “I’ve had my eye on you since eighth grade. Why else do you think Wyatt joined debate club?”-🇬🇧

Thoughts? Did I characterize her well? ❤️

That was good! I loved it so much! I was looking for a CC Walker x reader too and was about to write one. You characterized her well and also I liked the ending where she sent Wyatt to basically spy on you! It was amazing and I'm glad you shared it to me!

[hawker-the-gary]

Not sure which would be which, but I feel like one of them is a terrible singer that sings all the time, and the other is a great singer that hardly, if ever, lets people hear them sing.

I feel like they'd both be decent singers! Not the greatest but the talent is there.

That being said, Odix would sing in the shower.

Aki's voice would be like Japanese singer Aimer (just not well trained)

[thickenmyblood]

maca this chapter was insane i was kicking my feet the entire hour I took to read it!!

but can I just say as much as I was team damen in the beginning cause I didn’t fw laurent’s whole approach to the breakup…..I don’t get why damen was so upset with laurent abt the needing a lawyer reveal when he immediately recognised that it was obvious that laurent continued to stay with him because he genuinely loved him.

Don’t get me wrong I definitely love that you took that approach cause your writing is so REAL and Damen recognises he’s being an idiot sometimes!!But I didn’t expect Laurent to not push back abit in some sense like he was just a traumatised kid barely a year older than nicaise is rn when they met (if i got the math right on that).

anyway I think I just wanna hear more about your thoughts on Laurent’s headspace if it’s not spoiler-y ofc. Thank you for such a brilliant chapter and happy holidays ♥️♥️

hello! i was actually talking to @savoytrufflephd about this the other day. this is terribly long but we're reaching the end of the fic and i will never get the change to speak on these things again, and so i hope this answer guides your reading experience and helps clear any doubts you might have going into the last chapter.

about damen:

during their argument, damen is gutted to find out that laurent approached him because he needed a lawyer and money, and, indeed, damen doesn't have an absolute "let's berate laurent" meltdown right then and there, but i wouldn't say he "immediately recognized" anything.

there are three main emotions at play during the reveal scene.

sadness: damen feels deeply hurt by laurent's confession.

There is nowhere to go. There is no other sound in the world but Laurent’s voice, tearing him open.

They should be doing this in the kitchen, Damen thinks. For old times’ sake. For symmetry. There must be a reason why Aimeric keeps picking kitchens as his bleeding spot.

anger and/or self-righteousness: damen makes comments to hurt laurent and express the hurt he's feeling himself and how he feels cheated and wronged.

(...) Was a live-in nanny so expensive that you had to spend the next four years forcing yourself into bed with—”

“You were nervous. Before. I remember the—was the bathroom break so you could vomit in between—”

(...) So you stayed up all night, going through that—that shit, and you had ten liters of coffee this morning so you could be brave enough to sit here and tell me that I was your pimp for a while. (...)

“I wouldn’t blame you,” Laurent says, “if you—” “Don’t play the martyr card.” “I’m so—” “Fuck you,” Damen says.

defeat: damen slowly realizing this is the worst case scenario. there can't be anything worse than this, and so it's almost a relief to hear it because he 1. didn't have to ask 2. can't imagine any other blow hitting him harder (which... i mean, he did have a heads up from nikandros). now what he wants is to understand how this happened and why.

Something is leaking out of Damen now, except it isn’t blood. He feels it by its absence, by the relief it leaves behind. This, he thinks, as he looks at Laurent. This is everything they have done to each other. There is nothing left but this: the wound, drained; the wound, re-dressed. This is what he wanted to know, what he asked for. This.

He might as well lay down on the table and pass Laurent the knife.

He wants to feel stupid and can’t, wants to lather himself up in hatred to slip away from this with ease. He can’t. He’d thought in those first months at Nikandros’s that he knew what hating Laurent was—annoyance, mostly, and contempt, slightly—but now he knows that wasn’t hate. He could never hate Laurent. Maybe he could learn, could train himself to do it, but he doesn’t want to. He wants to understand. He wants—

damen is not the best when it comes to understanding his own emotions. later on, when analyzing this argument with neo, this happens:

“I don’t know how it made me feel,” Damen says. “I was angry yesterday. At him. And I know I should be angry now, or earlier when he said—when he told me.” “But you weren’t.” “I wasn’t sad either. It was like…” “Like?” Damen smooths over the sheets beside him. The bed is cool and neatly made on that side. “Like I’d been waiting for him to say it for so long, that when he did, it wasn’t… I don’t know.”

he did feel all those emotions in the argument, but when asked to talk about them, he holds onto defeat instead of anger or sadness. i wrote him this way because i wanted a version of him that was tired of arguing with laurent, that didn't want to do that anymore, that wanted things to be fair between them. plus, i wrote very early on that he's just not very creative when it comes to (active) cruelty. it just doesn't come naturally to him.

now, about laurent:

i agree that this laurent reads very passively. he doesn't strike back, doesn't argue that he was desperate, that it wasn't his fault, etc. this is because:

he's being self-hating. this is him basically telling damen "look at what i did and hate me for it. i don't deserve the way you've always helped me, the way you're STILL helping me. i'm not a good person. i'm not who you think i am." this is why, in this fic, laurent also allows nicaise to treat him like shit. it's the reason laurent did not tell agnes about the verbal abuse he was being subjected to. he thinks he deserves it. it's the reason he tells damen having sex with maxime was a chore and still he kept doing it.

like damen, he's also tired of arguing. in fact, i would say he's MORE tired than damen. he's getting the worse of nicaise's ire and has been for months. he knows damen is upset with him bc of that 10 minute conversation he had alone with nicaise in ch18. the day before, damen looked him in the eye and told him it was all his fault, that everything wrong that happened with nicaise was on him, that he was to blame because he was too busy having fun and being stupid to take care of the one person he was supposed to look after. he's emotionally drained. he spent the entire night looking through nicaise's phone, analyzing dates and punishing himself for everything that happened. after almost 400k words of fucked up situations, he's finally reached this strange limit of "whatever, just let it end".

the self-fulfilling prophecy aspect of his relationship with damen. in a way, laurent never dared to hope what he had with damen would be forever. in fact, he believed in order to keep damen, he had to sacrifice many, many, many things and aspect of who he was and is as a person, because otherwise damen would not and could not love him. things like his mental health, his own abuse, his views on sex... but also small, stupidly vulnerable things, such as letting your partner know that you fucking douche!!!!!! letting him know you do things every other human does. laurent wanted damen to love him, but he didn't think damen ever could if he showed him all his cards and baggage and whatever you want to call it, and so he made himself palatable. and this was, ultimately, the downfall of their relationship (along with damen's obvious ignorance, emotional issues, repression, etc.)

this is all i can say on laurent's end. ch20 will give you some more details to help you look at his actions and thought process throughout the fic in a different light. i hope this answer made sense and wasn't just me babbling for seventeen thousand words.

thank you for your time!!

[bo-ying]

#Song Recommendation: An Emotional Journey for Everyone

僕がギターを思うように弾けなくなっても 心の歌は君で溢れているよ "Even if I can't play the guitar like I wish I could, my heart is overflowing with songs for you"

This comes from Aimer's Katoamoi(カタオモイ) which translate as "Unrequited Love" in English, it express the bitter, sweet, and pain of single side love. From the very first note of this song, Aimer had used her powerful vocal with the beautiful lyrics to make you vibrate with the story that she is trying to tell.

What truly stands out in "KATAOMOI" is Aimer's ability to convey a wide range of emotions. Her voice shifts from soft whispers to powerful crescendos, capturing the complexity of unrequited love. Non the least, the lyrics, though simple, are poignant and relatable, they speak of admiration to hope that one day, those feelings might be returned.

The song's climax, where Aimer's voice soars, is particularly moving. It feels like a sudden explosion release of emotions that have been held back from the hidden feeling, making it a highlight of the track. Even after the song ends, its emotional weight lingers, leaving the listener with a mix of sadness and comfort.

"KATAOMOI" is a masterpiece of emotional storytelling. It's not just a song; it's an emotional journey of one that had a crush on someone. Aimer's vocals, combined with the simple yet evocative arrangement, make this song a theme of unrequited love. If you've ever loved someone from a distance and interest in Javanese, "KATAOMOI" will be a Must Listen song for you.

Story behind the Song:

"KATAOMOI" (片思い), released by Aimer in 2016 as part of her album "Daydream", collaborate with renowned Japanese composer and producer Masahiro Tobinai, and her passion for expressing complex emotions through music, had bring the master piece in live.

The initial idea for "KATAOMOI" came from Aimer's desire to write about the subtle yet powerful emotions of one-sided crush. According to interviews, Aimer wanted to capture the beauty and sadness of admiring someone, while expressing hope rather than despair. She felt that unrequited love can be painful, yet the complexity of in loving with someone selflessly. These ideas became the foundation to wrote the song.

During the songwriting process, Aimer worked closely with Tobinai to ensure the music and lyrics harmonized seamlessly. Aimer's lyrical style is known for its poetic simplicity, and in "KATAOMOI," she chose words that touch the feelings of admiration, longing, and quiet acceptance. The creation of the lyrics was a particularly personal for Aimer, as she drew from her own experiences of observing love from a distance, which gave the song an authentic and heartfelt tone.

What makes the creation of "KATAOMOI" stand out is the balance between its simplicity and emotional complexity. Aimer and Tobinai's decision to keep the arrangement uncluttered allowed the song to breathe, ensuring that every note and every word carried the emotional weight of the story they were telling. This conscious effort to create space for the listener to connect with the music is one of the reasons why "KATAOMOI" feels so intimate.

To conclude, the final outcome of this song had present the typical narrative of unrequited love. Through careful collaboration, artistic vision, and personal experience, Aimer was able to turn "KATAOMOI" into a relatable and emotional love journey that everyone experienced. With such a broad topic and solid outcome of this song, it has became viral and popular when it first release, that had proved the fact: it is an underestimated master piece in J-pop.

Sources:

[billboard-hotties-tourney]

Marie-Louise Damien (1899-1978) solo Songs: "Les goélands," "Tu ne sais pas aimer" Propaganda: see visual

Billie Holiday (1915-1959) solo Songs: "Summertime," "Strange Fruit" Propaganda: "she has such a beautiful voice for sad songs. have you seen her with that flower in her hair? iconic"

Visual Propaganda for Marie-Louise Damien:

Visual Propaganda for Billie Holiday:

[johnkatsmc5]

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes  “N°2" 1970  + “Ame Debout" 1971 + “Paix"1972 + “Le Rat Débile Et L'Homme Des Champs"1974 + “(Libertés ?)" 1975 + “Le Temps De L'autre"1977 + “La Déboussole"1980 + “Live Intégral" double CD 2008 + “Intégrale Des Albums Originaux 1969-1980" 9 x CD`s  +  France Prog Rock,Avant Prog,Experimental

full spotify

https://open.spotify.com/album/6Oh8Ygwu9WQdmNGkS78XKQ

https://open.spotify.com/album/2teh7QkV02tjERVswtag70

https://open.spotify.com/album/6hbuM07EVLX088JhuUw21a

full musify

https://musify.club/artist/catherine-ribeiro-alpes-97127/discography

Founded in France in 1968 - Disbanded in 1981 Christiane Marie Marguerite Ribeiro - born 22 September 1941 (Lyon, France) - died 23 August 2024 (Martigues, France) Led by Patrice Moullet, ALPES was founded in 1970 with Catherine Ribeiro as the lead singer. A very original band, highly prolific throughout the 70's and still alive. Their music is rather experimental and hard to define and involves folk, progressive and improvisation. Patrice Moullet is the inventor of several musical instruments amongst which include the "Cosmophone" and the "Percuphone". In a similar vocal style to Brigitte Fontaine, Catherine Ribeiro's low voice tone may also evoke Nico at times and is theatrical and declamatory. There's often an intense dramatic tension in the singing. The debut albums are the best, and "Paix", with its two long suites, is considered the most progressive and is the best one to start with.

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “N°2" 1970

Line-up / Musicians - Catherine Ribeiro / vocals AND - Patrice Moullet / Classical guitar, electric lyre, organ, vocals - Denis Cohen / organ, percussion With: - Pires Moliceiro / Portuguese guitar - Isaac Robles Monteiro / Portuguese guitar Tracklist Prelude 0:17 Sîrba 5:41 15 Août 1970 4:17 Silen Voy Kathy 7:20 Prelude 0:25 Prelude 0:17 Poème Non Epique 18:34 Ballada Das Aguas 3:20

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “Ame Debout" 1971

Line-up / Musicians - Catherine Ribeiro / vocals AND - Patrice Moullet / acoustic & electric guitars, lyre, vocals (4) - Patrice Lemoine / organ - Claude Thiebaut / percussion Tracklist Ame Debout 7:55 Diborowska 3:35 Alpes 1 5:42 Alpes 2 7:21 Alpilles 1:22 Aria Populaire 2:22 Le Kleenex, Le Drap De Lit Et L'Étendard 3:26 Dingue 4:33

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “Paix"1972

Line-up / Musicians - Catherine Ribeiro / vocals AND - Patrice Moullet / acoustic guitar, lyre - Patrice Lemoine / organ - Jean-Sébastien Lemoine / percussion, bass With: - Michel Santangelli / drums Songs / Tracks Listing 1. Roc Alpin (3:02) 2. Jusqu'à Ce Que la Foce de T'Aimer Me Manque (2:56) 3. Paix (15:37) 4. Un Jour... la Mort (24:33)

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “Le Rat Débile Et L'Homme Des Champs"1974

Line-up / Musicians - Catherine Ribeiro / vocals AND - Patrice Moullet / lyre, percussion - Daniel Motron / Farfisa organ, piano - Jean-Jacques Leurion / violin - Gérald Renard / percussion, bass - Denis Cohen / percussion, timbales Songs / Tracks Listing 1. La Petite Fille Aux Fraises (5:13) 2. L'Ère De La Putréfaction - Concerto Alpin En 4 Mouvements (13:00) 3. Un Regard Clair (Obscur) (4:47) 4. Poème Non Épique - Concerto Alpin En 6 Mouvements (Suite) (25:22)

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “(Libertés ?)" 1975

Line-up / Musicians - Catherine Ribeiro / vocals AND - Patrice Moullet / lyre - Daniel Motron / organ, piano - Henri Texier / basses - Caroll Reyn / percussion Songs / Tracks Listing 1. Une Infinie Tendresse (6:00) 2. Prélude Medieval (2:50) 3. Parle Moi D'Un Homme Heureux (5:15) 4. Qui A Parlé De Fin (4:43) 5. Poème Non-Epique N° III (Concerto Alpin En 3 Mouvements Et Un Tombé) (22:40) : - Prélude N°3 - Poème Non-Epique - Tombé

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “Le Temps De L'autre"1977

Line-up / Musicians - Catherine Ribeiro / vocals AND - Patrice Moullet / guitars - Daniel Motron / organ, pianos - Jean-Daniel Couturier / bass, guitar - Jean-Louis Do / drums Songs / Tracks Listing 1. Le Temps De L'Autre (7:32) 2. Cette Voix (8:51) 3. Aimer Quoiqu'il Arrive (5:50) 4. Le Silence De La Mort (10:12) 5. Kel Epik Epok Opak! (Quelle Epique Epoque Opaque) (9:42)

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “La Déboussole"1980

Line-up / Musicians - Catherine Ribeiro / vocals AND - Patrice Moullet / lyre - Patrice Lemoine / keyboards - René Werneer / violin - Francis Campello / bass - Pierre Gasquet / percussion Songs / Tracks Listing 1. La Vie En Bref (3:32) 2. Voyage Au Fond De L'Amour (3:00) 3. La Grande Déglingue (3:20) 4. Ne Pas Partir-Ne Pas Mourir (2:16) 5. Dis-Moi Qui Tu Embrasses (5:27) 6. La Nuit Des Errants (5:25) 7. La Parole Est À La Victime (2:59) 8. Paix 1980 (Nouvelle Version) (11:59) : - a) Prélude - b) 1er Mouvement - c) 2éme Mouvement - d) 3éme Mouvement

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “ Live Intégral" 2008 double CD

Tracklist 1-1 Jusqu'à Ce Que La Force De T'Aimer Me Manque Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 4:30 1-2 Un Regard Clair Obscur Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 4:53 1-3 Dis-Moi Qui Tu Embrasses Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Lemoine 4:48 1-4 Parle-Moi D'Un Homme Heureux Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 6:47 1-5 Le Manque Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 4:13 1-6 Carrefour De La Solitude Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Francis Campello 5:49 1-7 Racines Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Anne Sylvestre 4:36 1-8 Boogie Alpin Music By – Francis Campello 6:25 2-1 Pour Une Fois Encore Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 5:08 2-2 Attendre Pas Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 4:12 2-3 Elles Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 4:31 2-4 Stress Et Strass Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 5:13 2-5 La Traînitude Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Thierry Matioszek 4:29 2-6 La Pierre Et Le Vent Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 4:54 2-7 Paix 007 Lyrics By – Catherine Ribeiro Music By – Patrice Moullet 17:06

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “ Intégrale Des Albums Originaux 1969-1980"  9 x CD`s

Songs / Tracks Listing Catherine Ribeiro + 2 Bis: Catherine Ribeiro + 2bis (1969) 1.1 Lumière écarlate 4:13 1.2 Sour de race 2:44 1.3 Les fées carabosse 5:23 1.4 Voyage 1 5:35 1.5 La solitude 3:12 1.6 Un sourire, un rire, des éclats 4:10 1.7 Le crime de l'enfant dieu 4:36 1.8 Le point qui scintille 6:08 Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes N°2 (1970) 2.1 Prélude 0:29 2.2 Sîrba 5:45 2.3 15 Août 1970 4:19 2.4 Silen Voy Kathy 7:22 2.5 Prélude 0:28 2.6 Poème non épique 18:37 2.7 Ballada das aguas 3:22 Âme debout (1971) 3.1 Âme debout 7:53 3.2 Diborowska 3:38 3.3 Alpes 1 5:45 3.4 Alpes 2 6:21 3.5 Alpilles 1:23 3.6 Aria populaire 2:07 3.7 Le kleenex, le drap de lit et l'étendard 3:26 3.8 Dingue 4:37 Paix (1972) 4.1 Roc alpin 3:05 4.2 Jusqu'a ce que la force de t'aimer me manque 3:00 4.3 Paix 15:49 4.4 Un jour... La mort 24:41 Le rat débile et l'homme des champs (1974) 5.1 La petite fille aux fraises 5:11 5.2 L'ère de la putréfaction (Concerto alpin en 4 mouvements) 13:05 a) Prélude b) 1er mouvement c) 2e mouvement d) Finale 5.3 Un regard clair (Obscur) 4:49 5.4 Poème non épique (suite) (Concerto alpin en 6 mouvements) 25:23 a) Prélude percuphonique b) Prélude N° 1 c) Prélude N° 2 d) Poème non épique e) Finale N° 1 f) Finale N° 2 (Libertés ?) (1975) 6.1 Une infinie tendresse 6:01 6.2 Prélude médiéval 2:53 6.3 Parle-moi d'un homme heureux 5:19 6.4 Qui a parlé de fin ? 4:46 6.5 Poème non épique nº III - Concerto alpin en 3 mouvements et un tombé 22:37 a) Prélude N°3 b) Poème non épique c) Tombé Le temps de l'autre (1977) 7.1 Le temps de l'autre 7:32 7.2 Cette voix 8:55 7.3 Aimer quoi qu'il arrive 5:53 7.4 Le silence de la mort 10:13 7.5 Kel epik epok opak ! (Quelle épique époque opaque) 9:41 Passions (1979) 8.1 Iona mélodie 4:35 8.2 Frères humains 4:49 8.3 Cristalpin (Instrumental) 3:53 8.4 Prélude (Instrumental) 0:58 8.5 Tous les droits sont dans la nature 7:16 8.6 L'oiseau devant la porte 11:09 8.7 Alpinette (Instrumental) 2:11 8.8 Femme-témoin 3:35 8.9 Détournements de chants 4:23 La déboussole (1980) 9.1 La vie en bref 3:36 9.2 Voyage au fond de l'amour 3:02 9.3 La grande déglingue 3:25 9.4 Ne pas partir - Ne pas mourir 2:20 9.5 Dis-moi qui tu embrasses 5:30 9.6 La nuit des errants 5:30 9.7 La parole est à la victime 3:03 9.8 Paix 80 (Nouvelle version) 11:56 a) Prélude b) 1er mouvement c) 2e mouvement d) 3e mouvement

Discography

Studio albums With Alpes

Catherine Ribeiro + 2bis (1969) N°2 (also known as Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes) (1970) Âme debout (1971) Paix (1972) Le Rat débile et l'Homme des champs (1974) Libertés ? (1975) Le Temps de l'autre (1977) Passions (1979) La Déboussole (1980)

Solo

Le Blues de Piaf (1977) Jacqueries (1978)[nb 1] Soleil dans l'ombre (1982) Percuphonante... (1986) 1989... déjà ! (1988) Fenêtre ardente (1993) Live albums L'amour aux nus (1992) Vivre libre (1995)[nb 2] Chansons de légende (1997) Live au Théâtre Toursky (2002) Catherine Ribeiro chante Ribeiro Alpes (2006) Catherine Ribeiro chante Ribeiro Alpes Live intégral (2007) EPs Dieu me pardonne (1965) Le Chasseur (1966) La nuit et le vent (1966) Lorsque le bateau viendra (1967) Vivre libre (promotional CD) (1995) Singles "Aria" / "La solitude" (1969; Festival 878), with 2bis "Sœur de race" / "Voyage 1" (1969; Festival SPX 79), with 2bis "Thème en bref" / "Silen Voy Kathy" (1970; Festival SPX 128), recorded live at the Port Leucate festival in July 1970 with Alpes "Jusqu'à ce que la force de t'aimer me manque" / "Roc Alpin" (1972; Philips 6837 102), with Alpes "La petite fille aux fraises" / "L'ère de la putréfaction" (1974; Philips 6837 208), with Alpes "Un regard clair (obscur)" / "L'ère de la putréfaction" (1974; Philips 6837 223), with Alpes "Une infinie tendresse" / "Prélude médiéval" (1975; Festival 6837 288), with Alpes "Les Partisans" / "La Varsovienne" (1976; Philips 6042 243), with the Choirs of the Soviet Army "Dernière sortie avant Roissy" / "Le bonheur tout de suite" (1977; Philips (6172 036), soundtrack from the film by Bernard Paul "Hymne à l'amour" / "Les amants d'un jour" (1977; Philips 6837 442) "Chanson de la ville à prendre" / "Aria populaire" (1979; Fontana 6172 763), soundtrack from the film by Patrick Brunie "Amour petite flamme" / "Dans le creux de ta nuit" (1982; Philips 6010 618) "Jour de fête" / "Carrefour de la solitude" (1982; Philips 841 267-7) "Guet-apens" / "Sans amarres" (1982; Philips 6010.515) "Plus de reproches" / "Insoumission mondiale" (1986; Phonogram) "Elles" / "Soleil" (1986; Ioana Melodies 020) "Stress et strass" / "Le Cerf-volant" (1993; Mantra)

Catherine Ribeiro + 2Bis “Catherine Ribeiro + 2 Bis” 1969 France Acid Psych Folk,Protest Folk,Avant Folk

https://johnkatsmc5.blogspot.com/2017/12/catherine-ribeiro-2bis-catherine.html

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes “Passions” 1979 France Prog Rock,Avant Prog

https://johnkatsmc5.blogspot.com/2019/06/catherine-ribeiro-alpes-passions-1979.html

Catherine Ribeiro + Alpes  “N°2" 1970  + “Ame Debout" 1971 + “Paix"1972 + “Le Rat Débile Et L'Homme Des Champs"1974 + “(Libertés ?)" 1975 + “Le Temps De L'autre"1977 + “La Déboussole"1980 + “Live Intégral" double CD 2008 + “Intégrale Des Albums Originaux 1969-1980" 9 x CD`s  +  France Prog Rock,Avant Prog,Experimental

https://johnkatsmc5.blogspot.com/2025/04/catherine-ribeiro-alpes-n2-1970-ame.html?view=magazine

https://johnkatsmc5.tumblr.com/post/781427757142900736/catherine-ribeiro-alpes-n-2-1970-ame

[kybelles]

Do you think that at some point in their lives Laurent didn't feel worthy of Damen, considering how nicely he talks about him? :,)

hi love!! laurent canonically has self image issues (it’s clear all those vile things he said to aimeric were also what he thinks of himself 🙁) so yes i imagine he’d feel insecure occasionally but i don’t think it’d be a long term problem in their relationship simply because damen adores laurent and he’s not shy about voicing this adoration! 🥺 i think laurent was already empowered by damen’s love in canon so with them settling into a domestic relationship his confidence will only grow 💕